I did so many things for you and yet you repay me by being such a total bitch. I don't expect you to jump off a cliff for me or even do something drastic and totally life changing. No. All I wanted was you to just wait 1 more hour to accompany me to the tabletennis trials. Just 1 more hour. It may seem pretty damn long to you but you have to consider what I have done for you.
I accompanied you to Giant, I recommended you shorts, I accompanied you to the post office so many freaking times I lost count, and even though the sun was setting, I was tired and needed to go home, I still pushed myself to be a better person you know. Because I know that noone wants to be left alone. Every needs company. So I accompanied you. I even lent you my shorts to wear to save you from embarrassment. Even though I wanted to wear the shorts myself. I dont expect you to participate in every bloody cca with me. Dont wanna go to school? Dont wanna accompany me to take KI. Dont wanna go Chingay and help out? Fine. But think about it, that time you wanted to join badminton, and you were upset about it, and I didnt wanna go for trials, but I told myself I couldnt be that selfish and I offered to accompany you to go for badminton. See what effing sacrifices I make? And what I get? What do I get?
it's 2.43pm.
You know what? I don't wanna stay, but I may have to. Depending on what my results will be like, which I seriously don't have the confidence. I may even think it's more screwed than my prelims. I don't have the confidence to say that I will get out of the school for sure okay?? I know you're smart and all right, but it isn't the same for me. I have to work hard for everything! And even then, I may not get the results I want.
My brother said you should try everything during PAE. Cuz JAE would be more difficult. If you dont like a particular cca, you can't snap your fingers and change it. In PAE, you can try out the CCA and if you dont like it you can not choose it during JAE. So if you choose a shitty cca in JAE, you cant get out of it. You cant change that easy.
It's not about me not going for tabletennis okay? It's about you effing not wanna take a little time out of your life to accompany just for awhile! It's not like you have any freaking thing to do at home anyway. Not like your relative died or your pet died or your house was on fire or whatever emergency. No!! Thats what pisses me off the most. Don't even wanna do a simple thing for other people. " Just don't want!" just dont want just dont want.
What kind of effing reason is that? You know you are being such a bloody bitch here. The people we used to make fun of, now I even think they are better than you because I have never ever met such a more despicable and self-centred person in my whole entire life. Don't you have an effing conscience? HUH? !! Even I'm disappointed at the way you talk to your mom. How rude are you? No matter how much of a nag she can be, she doesnt deserve such disrespect!
Can you like reflect on what you have done?? Think about what others have done and sacrificed for you and what you effing did back!
But I do have to blame myself for being such a softie and not being so independant and crap. Always get myself pushed around and thrown like a freaking rag doll noone wants. I was so freaking pissed and cried so many times. Yet when you asked If I wanted to go to the post office after all that hulabaloo, I agreed! You know why I was standing there for a freaking long time half-crying half pissed? I was thinking whether to just be a bitch, to go home and leave you queuing by yourself. I mean you deserve it right? But I was thinking if I went home leaving you there I wouldnt get over it cuz I would beat myself up over it thinking I was being such an asshole.
You freaking deserve it. But being the person I am, I am too concerned. I even think my conscience is too overpowering. You're so lucky I'm like that or trust me, you'd already have lost a friend. Speaking of friends, do you think you're being a friend? Huiling was already at the bus stop yet she still offered to accompany me to tabletennis. You? Dont you even feel the slightest bit ashamed that Huiling, no strings attached, actually offered to accompany me and wait with me to go to tabletennis? Seriously, If I were you I'd feel really really bad. If this is friendship, then what kind of effed-up friendship is this?
Everytime I looked at you I felt like tearing you to pieces cuz I hated you the most I have ever hated someone in my entire life ( I think). You were being such an effing bitch/asshole/ungrateful piece of crap. I really don't understand how could be so cruel? How could someone actually bring themselves to do this. I smile not because I want to, I smile because I dont want you to feel bad about making me feel bad. Even though I want you too. See, I dont even know what I want anymore.
You know what? I'm over this shit already. I feel pissed but slightly less. I constantly comfort myself. It's okay, tabletennis doesnt matter. Tears are just tears. It doesnt matter. I dont give a shit. It's okay not to give a shit. Nobody gives a shit.
But really, I hope you know where the problem lies. Please try not be so self-centred and unthinking. Don't open your mouth and say what you want to hear. For once, say what people want to hear. Please don't think of your bloody self all the time. Can you think of other people's feelings? It may not matter to you then, but for once, please put yourself in other people's shoes. Think, how would they feel? What if someone did that to you?What if someone refused? And don't crap and say you like it. Noone would.
Sometimes you need to think twice. Okay? Maybe some people can't help being the way they are. But if you are someone that acts like a bitch, has a heart of stone, and is only surface material, then you defintely should change. When people tell you something, and doesnt say its a secret, doesnt mean you can spill it to everybody else. People have feelings okay. I'm not like some creature with no emotions. I do hurt.
I cant bear to make people feel bad cuz I cant help it. I seriously wanna beat and punch you up because you did stupid and evil things, but at the same time, I dont want people to feel bad. I feel guilty. But here, I can say what I want cuz Im not seeing your face and wishing I was better. Here I can allow myself to be a tad more evil.
You say you've changed. Fact is, you haven't changed at all.
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Green grass, Blue skiesSick people, Sad goodbyesDark days, Empty nightsPeople dying, Violent fightsFrightened kids, Scared momsDivorced parents, Lost bondsStarving children, bloodthirsty thugsInnocent victims, Kids with drugsDevil worshippers, Constant crimeShot of a gun, nothing is fineConfused youth, careless adultsChild abuse, countless faultsSelling drugs, peer pressureSpreading AIDS, prostitute pleasureDaily abduction, victims of rapeSo much pain, Few ever escapeTurning to suicide, Ending a lifePsycho path killers, Blade of a knifeAgony of loss, A broken heartPainful love, Being ripped apartHomeless people, The joy of hurtingA love child, So many uncertainPregnant teens, Unstoppable STD'sAshamed heritage, So many wannabesSibling hatred, Dangerous obsessionsOpinionated critics, Unwanted suggestionsKilling family, Betraying friendsAs today begins, Yesterday endsHopeless tomorrow, Doubtful futureDestroying the mind, Sickening humorNever-ending sickness, Too much diseaseDoes it ever stop? Someone tell me pleaseAnimal torture, A newborns cryAbandoned infants, Do we even try?Sleeping around, Simply for lustDeceitful lovers, Losing all trustBreaking the law, Getting awayCourtroom injustice, It's the victims who payWho is wrong? Who is right?Criminals admired? Have we lost sightBroken families, Few who prayThe doubtful outlook, Getting by each dayForgotten morals, Money hungry foolsDisgraceful greed, Those who useSo many questionsYet so few answersThe wanting to knowHappens much fasterWhen did it happen?How did it start?Who is to blame..For letting our world fall apart?
