I am always so paranoid. Too worried about this, too concerned about that. I tend to blow things out of proportion even though the problem isn't so serious. I dread the moment of trying to solve the problem, but the problem is always more or less solved. Either because I force myself to, to push myself against all personal boundaries and sacrifice every bit of me so that it would do well for the problem. But I end up doubting myself in the end, and happy though I was because there was a finally a solution, I reflect and realise I haven't truly lived and was being a downright fool for thinking too much and disturbing those around me. I try so hard, all for what? Why am I always so afraid of people judging me or allow my demented mental state to take hold of me? Why can't I not submit something or not do something and don't give a shit instead of being so bloody paranoid and worrying about it? Why am I always worrying about things that are less important and why do I keep thinking of my worries and become worried about those worries. This only screws up everything even more. I overthink, I overfeel, I'm too paranoid. Why am I always so cautious of every move I make or everything I say, and even when I do something wrong I am scared shitless of what is going to happen to me, even though it's alright, it's no big deal? Not everything has a hidden agenda, not everyone is out there to get me! I should stop trying to be so irrational to myself!
And even then noone realises what I put myself through, how much hardwork I put in to try to accomplish something. To be up to mark, to make my work the best thing ever, even though it is really useless to invest so much time in something as trivial, and maybe of greater importance, but with not much more significance as compared to the other things I face. I think too much that I become so scared, so depressed, and end up crying over something that is not worth to be cried over. Why do I stress myself so much? Why can't I just let it go? I always tell myself maybe without this position or without me doing this or that, or without me having this, it's okay, just let it be. It's not the end and there are more important things. But every single detail gets me so worked up and I don't know why I'm so foolish to waste my tears on trivial matters. And I'm thinking, I'm doing so badly in this, and I become too ashamed to face anyone else, but there are still people who may be experiencing the same thing as me, but are treating the situation without so much concern, without so much panic.
By the way, calling strangers and talking to them for a full 6minutes is a nerve-wrecking thing.
But
Geeze! I better get a grip on myself! Lest it turns into schizophrenia or manic depression.
