The more I look at myself, the uglier I seem to get. I sense people's dislike of me, or so I think. I sense so much dislike, and I am unnerved by all of it. I don't know what to do with myself. I have so many insecurities and fears. I take on so many identities that I don't even know the true me anymore. Sometimes I blame the internet, social networking sites that leave me vulnerable and exposed to the world. I rejoice when something good happens, but it's all lies because it doesn't translate to real life. I hide behind the computer, a coward. I don't know who my real friends are, I don't even know if I have real friends. I don't know if the words of comfort you might say are true and I don't even know if I'm being too suspicious or skeptical of everything.
I don't want to end up to be a person that's always stuck in her own shell and afraid to face the world. I don't want to not go out with people because situations will turn out awkward. I don't want to be afraid to face the world but I am deathly afraid to offend. I loathe that I guide myself by expectations, I sometimes try so hard to impress and it backfires. I want to do more but I end up doing less. The world has become who I am, I don't even know what to believe in anymore. Who is to guide me? How do I just be myself if the person I am is confused, judgmental and critical?
If I were to read this as myself I would think what an emotional shithead to be writing all this stuff.
I hate that I dislike people, I hate that I get annoyed or frustrated. Not because they are negative to myself but because if I am annoyed and frustrated, I am annoyed at frustrated at someone, and I don't think they deserve that, no matter how many bad things they do. I hate that my happiness is superficial, I hate who I am, and I hate myself for hating who I am. It's a never ending cycle that I can't seem to be rid of. I hate how I treat my parents like crap, that I crave interaction from people. Why can't I just accept people for who they are? So what if they boast, or is judgmental or treats me like a pawn? Shouldn't I sacrifice myself to be the pawn they play with? Or do I fight back? But if I fight I end up losing anyway. So what do I do? Where do I go from here? I don't even know.
